About 6 years ago, we were living in Memphis Tennessee. It felt as if I had been ripped from my home and shipped off to a foreign land. It was so different then anything I ever knew. About a year or so into living there I developed some anxiety. Now sure there is a chance I had it before but this was the first time I had actually felt it. I was lonely, few friends, and I really missed home.
Things would get better as id adjust, but I didn’t like that I had to just settle. When the time came we moved back to Utah and of course it was so much easier because I knew where I was and I had a community of people to return home to. I thought my anxiety would go away and it was pretty mellow when I first came back. I had just started getting my photography business off the floor so I was doing a lot to say the least. I remember specifically summer of 2013 I was preparing to go to a wedding with Trent, and we were at breakfast and then next thing I know, full blown panic attack. Tears, hysteria, no idea what was going on, everything. When I took a few minutes to just cry and let it out I found that I really felt better just letting it happen. This happened over the next 3 years. I did therapy and that was amazing for me, and really helped me deal with my anxiety. I truly felt better.
Fast forward to my first pregnancy. I was still so busy and so overwhelmed but I was so happy I was pregnant. I miscarried just a few days later and that was when a lot of my anxiety returned. I went back to therapy, I was trying to deal with this loss and figure out how to get pregnant as soon as possible. Not the best thing for me. I needed a minute to heal. By the time I got pregnant again 5 months later I felt so much better and was so ready for it. I miscarried again a few days later and I will honestly tell you, whether it was because I had had one before or I just was more prepared, I was able to deal with it a lot easier and quicker this time around. I was of course sad but I was prepared I feel like. I got pregnant so quickly again with Rooney and so I honestly think I was able to skip the depression part that round.
Oh man. This was hard for me again. I had never had depression and it came like a wave crashing down on me. I was so sick and I was so depressed. I honestly couldn’t even answer the phone half the time. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I wanted to just be left alone. Never did I think I would be this way once I finally got pregnant with my baby. Depression hits us in ways we sometimes don’t understand and at times that we don’t expect it. Knowing this now I think I will be able to handle the depression come next baby.
I was on cloud nine. All my sadness went away. I was the happiest person you had ever seen and I was so excited and LOVED myself during pregnancy. I know that sounds funny but I really did. I finally was so happy with who I was and what I was doing. I have never felt more whole. Then Rooney came, and I once again and never felt better!!! At about 7 months in, I started to get sad. I started to get a little down and had harder days emotionally. I didn’t know how to handle it because I had been doing so good for over a year! I loved Rooney and felt no sadness toward her but yet felt so sad about myself and my body. The only time I could pull out of it was being with her a lot or nursing. In many ways nursing has saved my sanity. It gives me time to be needed and feel empowered.
So what now?
I am now doing okay. I feel better about myself but not where I want to be by any means. I know I will get there but it will take time. My body is so different now but that is okay this is the season of life I am in.
What can we do to help with these feelings???
1. TALK TO SOMEONE. don’t be afraid to open up to a friend, or a therapist for that matter. I think one thing I realized early on was I couldn’t close people off I had to talk about it so I realized how real it was. So that’s how I personally deal with things, I tell people and I get support and advice from others around me. Sometimes we really just want a little love.
2. Go easy on yourself I lost my baby weight really fast and yet beat myself up all the time about my body and what I was doing. I realized that I needed to be easy on myself because I literally carried a baby for 9 months and then had a baby. My boobs are never going to be the same and that is okay! This has all been worth it. I wish I could always feel this way of being happy with where I am at right now. I might be a little more flabby this summer but I am so happy I have a baby girl. She is worth every piece of flab.
3. Get out of the house This winter was BRUTAL. I wanted so bad to go out and do things but of course with the cold it can be hard. I found a ton of museums and other things here in Utah that I could go to and so we were able to stay busy. Even if we went for a drive one day, we seriously always did! We loved just getting out of the house.
4. YOGA or MEDITATION: Find something to help your mind be calmed. For me I love yoga the class RESTORE. It is seriously the only place I can fully let go and just be calm. It truly is amazing. I love it so much and I also know a lot of people LOVE meditation.
5. Have a routine
Routines can make everything easier and help make you feel in control. Find ways to set up a consistent routine or plans to help you feel balanced!
I hope this helps and gives you a place to start. Also remember you are not alone. This world can feel hard and dark but when we realize we are not alone sometimes it can make it feel a little easier.
I love this community and love my sweet girl and sharing our lives with you.
Beautifully said! You are a wonderful person, wife, mother, and daughter!
I felt the same way. It’s so great to hear it from another person. I battled postpartum depression from my daughter bring in the NICU for 38 days. I had a tough time adjusting when she came home. I thought I would be on cloud nine…I was happy to be with her finally, but felt an immense sadness that I couldn’t overcome. It was a long road to get to where I am and it feels so great to hear another mother that went through postpartum issues and come out strong on the other end.